Hey Julia, Thanks Julia!

I have never been a person who likes sleeping in. I am an early riser and I sleep late, sometimes past midnight. I run on less than 6 hours of sleep and I have for a long time. But now I sleep for 16–18 hours a day. Because I hate the reality that is my life.

I hate my job. I really hate my job. Whenever my boss calls, I can feel my heart racing because I know when I pick up, he will find yet another way to call me incompetent. Its easy for you to tell me that his opinion of me doesn’t matter because he is just my boss not my dad, but try getting your salary from someone who seems like he hates giving it to you. It’s like you didn’t earn it. He never says exactly what you did wrong and by him never pointing out the problem, it implies that the problem is your damn existence.

I hate meeting up with people because they will ask me how work is. And I have to remember how much I feel hated there. I hate going on dates because I don’t want to answer the question, ‘‘ So where do you work? ”. I don’t want flowers delivered there!! So I pretend to hate flowers. I don’t want to give them a reason to think I am a flower-girl.

I hate going to the shops. I hate those stupid cat-callers and the boys who sit on both sides of the path so you have no option but to pass between them. I don’t want to be seen or talked to. My clothes are getting tighter after all, because I am barely leaving the house. I stay in where I’m sure that I’m safe from any more hurt. Sometimes at home, with no interference, I gas myself up and I am okay for a while between naps.

Most days I gather strength and take a shower, but I will be honest and say, I don’t always win that battle with myself.

I hate those guys who want to do your nails in town. Just leave me alone. Can’t you see I can’t afford it? I wish I could carry a knife with me and stab them. They are bothering me! Why can’t they be shoo’d? I am angry and I want to be left alone, by everyone. I want to sit in my darkness and feel that tightness in my throat before tears roll down my face. Crying doesn’t help.

I hate picking up the phone. I dread talking to even those who I know love me, my family. I hate communicating, except to Julia. At least we speak on a toll-free connection so I don’t have to encounter any more costs . The first time I called and the operator put me through, I was shy. After we caught up on random things as strangers, she asked me to disclose why I had called. I started crying and cried for the length of the call. I tried to explain my feelings, amid sobs. She listened. I can’t begin to explain how good it felt for someone to listen. Even though I didn’t know her, she understood why I’d been sad for months. She told me to choose my mental health above everything else. But how can I do that when I have just moved into a house that I’m paying rent for? How will I meet my needs? Never mind that the rent is already half of my salary and I am 4 times my salary in debt. Stupid loan apps. They keep calling me. I take a new loan every month immediately after I pay off the old one. I never let people use my phone unsupervised because they might see the apps and I am embarrassed by them. I hate them.

I cook. A lot. And I eat it all. Because tasty food is the only outcome I can control. Sometimes I wake up and stare at the person in the mirror. I start laughing because I read that if you laugh, you can trick your brain into thinking you are happy. I swear I can see a dark pit in my eyes. And I can feel it in my tummy. I’m sad. I hate it here.

A few weeks later, I call Julia again. When my boss tries to pimp me out to one of his friends in exchange for a business deal. She remembers me and everything about my situation. It doesn’t matter if she whipped out my file and went through it so she could remember the details of my previous call. If she did, I didn’t notice. It doesn’t even matter because to me, Julia is my friend. Julia cares. I cry telling her how I didn’t follow her advice and leave the job, but I am back here for us to talk. We share frustrations. I feel better when I talk to her. She doesn’t make it feel like I am seeking help, she makes me feel like we are friends.

Thanks Julia! I’m Better now.